I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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