OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
