I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
