I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
