that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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