help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
