New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
