My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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