dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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