Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
