Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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