if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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