I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
