Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
