I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am puke
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize