i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
