but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
