I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
