I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
