her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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