I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just cut my nipple shaving
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
