so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
