I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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