theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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