"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
