38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
