Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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