Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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