he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
