We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
