I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I understand Curling. That high.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am one with the molecules
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
