WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
