His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
