the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
