and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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