Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
