Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
