her vagine was all disorganized.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
