Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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