I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
