The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
