i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
