we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
