I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sext me about skeletons
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
