the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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