I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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