i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
