you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
