and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
