I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She's the barista slut.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
