Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
FUCK WHALES
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
