the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
