There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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