the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
