This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
