God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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