Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
