Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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