My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
