i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It was confusing and full of hummus
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
