Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
