i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
