the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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