So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
